Sometimes Good Days are Hard Days

Today was a pretty good day. I got Sophia up early (two and a half hours before she usually wakes up) and we met my mom at church for morning mass....it was a memorial mass for my Gram...today is....was....her birthday. The mass was nice, pretty short, and cute Sophia distracted me from really feeling any sad feelings. After the mass, my mom and I went for breakfast and I accompanied her to her haircut and then Sophia and I spent the rest of the afternoon just doing the usual....eat and sleep (well, this is her usual).
It wasn't until this evening that Sophia and I were in our hallway, getting ready for her bath, that she seemed to glance at some pictures we have hanging there. I told her who each person was and she was really staring at them, like she had any idea what I was talking about. I got to one picture that I love but don't spend a lot of time staring at...the picture we took of the whole family (it was all of us back then) at a Thanksgiving day at my Gram and Gramp's house. I pointed out Gram (her great-Gram) and said that was who we went to mass for today (you know, like she understood) and told her that I was sorry that she wouldn't be able to meet her great-grandma or great-grandpa. I did say to her that I thought they sure would've loved her a lot though.
Once I got her bathed and fed and was rocking her to sleep, I kept thinking about the picture and what a great day it had been...my Gram's last Thanksgiving...by the next one we would've just attended her funeral. That Thanksgiving was really a wonderful day, the entire family was there. We ate a ton, like any normal Thanksgiving and then we sat around for hours as my uncle and cousin played guitars and the rest of sang every song we could think of.
I thought about her very last birthday....I had called her to say happy birthday when I got to work and got settled...and woke her up! This is funny because normally my Gram was always the first one up....especially at Christmas morning. Even with Dillon being a lot younger than us and always up super early anyway, she would even be the one to wake him up, she was that excited about Christmas day. I definitely would've called her today if I could have.
I feel SO sad and sometimes even angry that my husband will never get to meet her. She was gone before we even started dating. She didn't see me on my wedding day. I have this memory of her on my sister's wedding day.....my Dad driving, me in the front seat and my sister in the back seat as we were leaving the house for the church and there was Gram in the doorway, looking like she was going to cry. On my wedding day it was the same but I was in the back seat this time and I couldn't look at the door and had to bite my cheek to keep from crying....I sure wished she was in the doorway then.
I feel even more sad that she won't meet my sweet nephew, Cooper...her first great-grandchild or my baby, her first great-granddaughter. Or any of our kids, for that matter. There is this song that she used to sing to us, about a chocolate ice cream cone, that I would love to teach Sophia someday....except that I just cannot bring myself to actually sing it out loud to her yet. I can hear in my head exactly the way my Gram sang it to me and I am afraid that if I sing it in my voice then I won't hear her anymore. Pretty stupid, I know. It just makes it more sucky that she isn't here to just sing it to Sophia herself.
There are definitely funny things I remember.....such as I got my Gram hooked on South Park. :-) One spring break I went and stayed with her and my Gramp and I pretty much loved the show at that time. When I wanted to watch it, she let me, but was sure to comment on how ridiculous it was, she couldn't believe I was watching it, etc. But halfway into the show, I noticed that her shoulders were shaking and she was trying to smother laughter. She was watching it and thought it was hilarious!! After that, my sister even got her to watch the South Park movie.
I could probably blog for hours and hours about different things I remember about my Gram. Songs I can't even stand to listen to because I think of us singing them on that last Thanksgiving. Different conversations we had over the many years. Gifts and cards she gave me. The last time I saw her....or talked to her.
I think that my husband and daughter and nephew were robbed out of knowing her. I feel robbed out of getting to spend more time with her and have her at so many life moments. I am glad we have some videos and memories to share about her....but it is just not the same as if she were here...not that there is a single thing I can do about that.
I am thinking about her a lot today, since it was her birthday...and it was such a good day....but I definitely think about her often and miss her SO much and I always will.