The Issue With the Snow Suit

Wow, another blog that doesn't have anything to do with an MRI, yay!  I am sure I will get back to that, but that subject sucks so much, so I have been trying to throw in a few blogs about more upbeat subjects...or at least any other subject but that for the moment. 
A few weeks ago we went to the outlets in Dawsonville and I found the find of the century....a snow suit for Sophia in the Ralph Lauren outlet store...for only $20!!!  It was on sale from something ridiculous like $145...I can't imagine who would pay that (although I've seen those snow suits every year in practically every store since I got pregnant and have wanted one for Soph...even though we don't live in a really snowy area....but there was that snow storm last year....anyway).  Last year Michael ended up letting me get her a cheap one from Baby Gap...not the same.  But it worked in the snow when we needed it.  So I was pretty pumped to find the Ralph one on such a good deal.  Yay for my stylish baby! (And yes, I realize I am a junky for Ralph Lauren baby clothes....he is just a freakin genius and I like almost all the clothes he makes for babies.  But he is pretty pricey.  I never ever pay full price, you can always find a sale on Ralph, plus there is always the outlet.  Maybe he could kick a little something my way for this promo blog....just sayin....)
Here is a picture of it....

Except the one we got is winter white and the belt buckle is square instead of round.  It's so cute, I love it!  (Sorry the pic is so big...I found it on ebay and just copied it, being kinda lazy, instead of just taking a picture of the one we bought...in my defense, Sophia is in her room sleeping, where the actual garment is hanging.)
Well, dumb mommy didn't think of one thing....what shoes will she wear with it??  Last year she couldn't walk and the feet were covered over so it wasn't an issue.  And we are actually going in a few weeks up to North Carolina so Michael and my brother can snowboard and Sophia and I can play in the snow, so she will actually get use out of her new snow suit....but she has to have something on her feet!!  The shoes she has already won't do, either won't keep her feet warm enough or will just get ruined, she'll need something that will work better for the snow.  So today I decided to google baby snow boots, or something like that.  Plenty of hits.  If I want to pay two, three, or even four times the cost of what we paid for the snow suit!!  Really??!!  I don't expect much use out of the snow suit, but at least we didn't pay that much for it....I surely don't expect to get much use out of snow boots.  Is that a fashion she can just wear with normal clothes??  I doubt it.  I think Michael would kill me if I bought the ones that I saw that would go perfectly....with a price tag of $50.  Ugh.  I would even have to kill me.  Nope, sorry, can't pull that trigger.  I don't even spend that on shoes for me (anymore). 
So I guess I will keep looking...I definitely don't want her little feet to freeze, right?! Not sure if this "problem" makes me wish we lived in a place that had more or less snow...I guess if we got more snow year round and she would get good use out the boots then I could see spending a decent amount...but if it never snowed at all then we wouldn't have spent the money on the snow suit (which is darn cute, you gotta say) in the first place and I wouldn't even be looking for snow boots.  Or if we were the kind of family that wintered in Aspen or something I might be anyway, you know, for our awesome ski vacation.  Ah, well.  But we are not.  Sigh.  Maybe someday.   
For now, back to searching high and low for something to keep Sophia's feet warm and dry, something that will not break the bank!  Next winter, if it snows, we'll just enjoy it from indoors.  Mommy is definitely over her "the baby needs a snow suit" phase!! :-) 

This Cracks Me Up

So my second MRI is very early tomorrow morning.  I am still very nervous, even though I know exactly what to expect.  I guess I will blog more about it later, but for now I wanted to try and take my mind off of it (if that is possible) and talk about something that makes me laugh.  Ironically, it is Elmo.  Yes, you read that correctly, Elmo, the little red monster from Sesame Street my almost 17 month old daughter loves.  Michael has an app on his iphone for PBS kids and a couple weeks ago he said, hey look at this, it's pretty funny.  Wow, understatement of the year!  Here is it, you be the judge. 




Sophia loves it because it is Elmo, of course, but she doesn't seem to find it as funny as I do.  I particularly like Elmo's hilarious (and possibly inappropriate) pelvic thrust dancing near the beginning.  And his rap.  I have said to Michael that he should memorize the words (we play it so much for Sophia...yeah, for Sophia...that we do almost know all the words) and sing it to me at the MRI tomorrow.  He would have to sing it really really loud for me to be able to hear him....it would probably relax me but we decided that I would most likely laugh and move my head so we decided against it.  We also decided that all the tech's would think we were freaks (if they don't already think that I am, which is debatable). 
I am not a Justin Bieber fan at all so I had no idea that this song was actually a parody of a real Biebs song, Never Say Never, or something like that.  I looked it up on itunes and listened to the sample and could hear the similarities....good job, Sesame Street, good job.  And I think I like the Biebs as a puppet.  I appreciate his hair flipping, gotta keep it true to the real JB!  Who knew Sesame Street was the SNL for kids??!!  

FEAR = MRI

Yesterday was my MRI.  I thought that I was as prepared as I could be for it, I had asked as many questions as I could think of and everyone I talked to was nice and friendly and even answered my stupid questions and helped me to feel as ready as I was going to feel.  I had two pills for anxiety in hand, thinking that I would really only need one.  My husband was with me.  We didn't even hit traffic on the way there, something that would have only added to my anxiety.  Well, it was a lot worse than I expected.  A lot.  Oh and I expected fairly bad. 
I guess I can start from the start.  I had to be at the location at 9:30 am.  My mom arrived to watch Sophia (who was still sleeping) so we left our house at 8:30 am and headed towards the Northside area.  I was pretty sure we'd be stuck right in rush hour traffic (so we had a back way planned) but surprisingly things were moving right along and we got to our destination by 9.  I had to fill out some forms (of course) and Michael was supposed to let me know to take my (one) relaxer pill at quarter after 9.  As soon as I turned in the forms, we went with a nice gentleman who brought us back to another area to wait (I had to use the bathroom...my stomach was in knots already...I went ahead and took the pill then).  He took us in to a little room after that, asked me some more questions (and I had missed signing some areas on the paperwork) and told me to change into a gown.  At which point I showed him (not totally, haha) that I didn't have any metal on my clothes and was really just in sweatpants and a shirt so if it was ok I wanted to just stay in my own clothes.  He said that was just fine.  He said that it probably would take maybe like 30-40 mintues, not as long as I had originally been told, which sounded good.  Then he led me back and we left Michael in the waiting area.  He was talking to me the whole time, asking me how long we'd been married, about Sophia, that kind of thing.  I guess distracting me from the giant MRI machine.  I tried to not look at it at all as he had me lay down on a narrow, flat bed table thing.  My heart was totally pounding.  I think he was asking me about what football team I liked or something at that point.  As he was putting something next to my head to keep it straight (not a helmet though, good) and a triangle shaped pillow up under my knees.  Then he gave me some earplugs and covered me with a blanket and had me cover my eyes with a white washcloth.  At this point I was completely shaking and my heart was seriously racing.  He kept saying that my relaxation pill should kick in at any time.  My hands were down at my sides and I was trying to stay completely still, if you consider shaking like a leaf completely still.  Then he started moving the table I was laying on and I knew that he was moving me back into the tube.  Despite the washcloth covering my eyes (and the fact that my eyes were squeezed shut), it got darker and I could completely tell I was inside of something.  Oh and my elbow brushed against the side as I was moving back so I knew exactly how small of a space I was entering into. 
I will now say that no matter how I would've classified myself before...slightly claustrophobic, claustrophic tendencies, whatever....I can say without a doubt that I am terrified of enclosed spaces.  Elevators don't bother me.  But if one was overpacked and got stuck, I would probably freak out.  I am scared of things, sure.  Not needles, those don't bother me in the least.  I hate snakes and bugs, but as long as they stay away from me I don't think I have a problem with them.  I don't really have a problem with heights...although in some cases I can feel very scared of them...but normally when I feel like others could fall (I had a nightmare when I was pregnant about my nephew falling from a balcony and he was just out of my reach....when my brother was little and we were in Hawaii, he was dangling his legs from the balcony and I was terrified he would fall....I am always so scared when someone holding my daughter goes near a railing...things like that...it is somewhat paralyzing to me, the fear that they could go over the side).  I couldn't be on Fear Factor because I would surely gag and barf if I had to eat bugs...and now I know that there is no way in this entire world that I could make it through a challenge for any amount of money that involved enclosed spaces.  It was a little different all the other circumstances in the past that I have dealt with before.  On amusement park rides, I tend to feel claustrophic in the seats that go over your head and push on your chest, or even worse, hold in your legs.  So I no longer ride those rides.  In an airplane (which I already hate to fly) I feel like I am trapped in the seat that is near the window and so sitting on an aisle can sometimes help me to move my legs and not feel so closed in. And during my c-section, when I felt like I was being crushed and wasn't able to move at all...well, at least I could move my arms and head around and I got a beautiful baby girl out of it.  Next time things will be different with that.  With an MRI, you can't try to make it bearable, that uncomfortable claustrophobia.  And it is terrifying.
Anyway, back to my experience.  I am in the tube and I am panicking, big time.  I told him to get me out of there!!  He said ok and actually did it pretty quickly. He said I did great, that I had gotten all the way back in there. He didn't let me get up off the table, he kept me laying there for a minute to calm down.  Not something that was happening.  He talked to me about something else random.  More football, maybe?  Finally, I asked him if taking the other pill I had would help me?  He said it can't hurt and there is no reason to save it.  So he helped me up and we went to find Michael to get my purse with the pill.  I took it and sat down while they talked about football for a while.  I'm not sure how much time passed but Michael commented that he thought that I wasn't shaking anymore so surely at least the first pill should've been working by now.  I cannot say I felt calm, but maybe kinda tired?  Finally, I had to go back in to try again.  Back on the narrow table, propped knees, earplugs, washcloth over my eyes.  Stupid pill was NOT working.  I was still so scared!  I asked if he could just hold on to my leg or foot or something as I went back in to the tube so he said sure.  He was asking me stuff and rubbing my foot (normally I hate people touching my feet at all but he could've given me a full foot massage at this point) and back I was going and I wasn't very calm at all.  This time I put my hands up on my stomach so my arms wouldn't brush the side of the tube.  But it was still dark and I just knew that it was a very narrow space.  I could hear him talking to me through a speaker or something and he said I was doing good (liar) and that he was going to take a picture now.  There was this clicking or popping sound...I thought, ok, that isn't too bad....and then it was this super loud grating continuous noise.  My heart pretty much stopped and simultaneously was beating out of my chest, if that is even possible.  I was breathing so fast that I didn't even think my head was able to stay still...and I felt like I had to get out of there that second.  The noise finally stopped and the second it did and I said get me out, get me out, get me out until he did get me out.  He said that I did so good and he was able to get a good picture and everything.  Then he said would I feel better if my husband was in there with me.  And I said yes, please.  And I said that I was sorry that I was so scared and making things take so long.  He said that I had to stay on the table but not in the tube so that was ok with me and he went to get Michael.  I was thinking that maybe if it was just the short clicking/popping noises that I would be able to do it, but the loud clanging noises made it seem like the tubing was closing in on me, which was what I was so scared of in the first place, and so I had no idea how I was going to get through this.  I was also thinking what kind of calming pills had I taken, since I wasn't any calmer than if I had just taken a tylenol?! 
Finally Michael came in with him.  I will take a second to say that I have the best husband in the world.  He was probably enjoying watching his Sportscenter or whatever and then to have to come back and deal with my craziness and fear.  But he did great.  He held my hand (which he had to lean way in to reach it...I was stretching my hand out to get his too...come to find out it was his bad shoulder, I could've pulled it out of the socket) which I am sure I squeezed too hard and he rubbed my leg and he talked to me the entire time.  I couldn't always hear exactly what he was saying over the loud clanging noise but I knew he was talking to me.  I did have to come out at one point, after a particularly long set of the clanging noise.  I happened to reach up (I don't think I was all the way out of the tube) to adjust the washcloth and opened my eyes for a second and there was a definite cage over my head. Oh geez.  I only saw like a fraction of it, but I am pretty positive it was just like the one I saw on the internet when I did my search.  Ugh.  Oh well, it took me that long to realize it, nothing I could do about it by then.  After Michael came back to be with me, I really only had to come out for one break.  Although I was starting to feel the panic well up again after one set and the tech got on the intercom thing and said, ok, last one and it's a short one, only like one minute.  So then I knew I could just get it over with.  For the record, I never felt calm from the pills, I must not have taken them far enough before hand for them to work, even though I did exactly what the pharmacy told me to do.  Only having Michael there made it so that I could keep the panic aside enough to let the tech take the pictures.  After we were done, I asked the tech if I could have a picture with him for my blog.  He laughed and said that was a first.  I thanked him for being so patient and told him he was probably happy that he would never have to see me again.  He said that despite how scared I was, I didn't move my head once and he was able to get all good pictures.  He said that within 48 hours I should hear some results. 

By the time I got home, I was starting to feel the effects of the pills.  Not what I was looking for, to be drugged up after the MRI.  My mom stayed and played with Sophia while I dozed on the couch and then when it was Sophia's naptime, she left.  Soph and I both napped at the same time.  Around 4-ish, my phone rang and I was surprised to see it was the Neurologist calling.  It was Nicole, my doctor's assistant and she said that my doctor had looked over my scans already (wow!).  He thought that they looked good, pretty normal, but that he saw some narrowing of my blood vessels throughout my brain.  She said this is not neccesarily bad but that he would like for me to have a contrast scan done to further look into it.  Um, what?  What did she just say?  Did she really just say, after I just spent the morning going through the worst thing that I have had to go through (even though I really do know that there are worse things in life that can happen), that I have to get another MRI????  Yes, I do, in fact, have to get another MRI.  This time, with contrast.  Which means they will hook me up to an IV that will run some dye into my brain so the pictures will better show the blood vessels.  She said that Northside will call me to set it up and they can prescibe me something again for it.  I hung up with her, but called Michael immediately.  And cried.  He said it would be ok, he'd go with me again and it would be ok.  He was going to be home from work soon anyway so once we hung up, I called back the place where I had just been that morning to get my normal MRI.  I said that I had been there that day, wanted to talk to a tech to ask some questions, it didn't have to be my tech, but it could be and the lady said she'd see who she could find...well a nice sounding lady got on the phone.  I told her who I was and she said, oh, your husband went back in with you?  Great, I'm famous for my wimpyness.  Anyway, as soon as I tried to tell her I had to come back, I started to cry.  She said it was ok, that a lot of people are really scared and even some people that aren't claustrophobic have a hard time getting MRI's.  She said that Michael can come back with me again and that the contrast scans don't take quite as long as the ones without.  She also said that this time I should take both of the pills at the same time and maybe quite a bit longer before than I did this time.  So as much as I DO NOT want to do this again, at least I am going to a place that caters to complete wimps and are super patient.  Even I am annoyed with myself. 
But despite that, I am still scared and nervous to go back.  I had nightmares about both the experience I had and the one I haven't yet had all night last night.  I have been thinking about it all day....how I can try to make it different, go better, smoother, be less scary...and I can't come up with how that will happen.  Because I know that when they slide me back into that dark tube and that loud clanging noise starts up...I will be in the middle of a fear that I didn't even really know I ever had until now. 
Oh, I hope I can make it though, one more time.  And I hope when I say one more time, it really will be just one more time!

Nervous, and a bit Annoyed

So Friday everything got squared away as far as my appointment for my MRI goes.  I knew I was going to be a pain in the neck for the poor scheduler and I didn't disappoint.  Thankfully she was so nice and helpful and when she got to a point that she couldn't answer my (stupid) questions, she got a tech on the line with us who was also super nice and able provide even more details. 
First of all, it took a few doses, but my back of the headache went away with the prescription of Fioricet w/Codeine. (Except yesterday it came back, I'll get to that)  So I was feeling pretty good.  I called Northside to get things scheduled and talked to a very nice lady and explained that I needed to set up an MRI, that she should have the order from my doctor.  She did.  Then I said that I had made the mistake of googling a closed MRI and that I might be a tad claustrophobic.  Well, she said, the facility that the doctor wanted me to go to did not have an open MRI and also she said what I already knew, better pictures come from a closed.  I told her that I definitely wanted to try to do the closed but I had a ton of questions and maybe I would feel better and not so nervous (ha, not likely) if I could just get those answered before the appointment date.  She said she would do her best to make me feel more at ease.  I first asked how long the procedure would last....around 40 minutes was her answer.  Ugh, 40 minutes of not moving.  Sounds unbearable and I know if I move at all it will just take longer.  Ok, moving on.  Will my entire body go into the tube thing or just my head, since it is just on my head?  She seemed apologetic, but unfortunately most of my body will be going in the tube despite the fact that it is only on my head.  Great.  Tube-like coffin, here I come.  I was pretty much pacing around my room at that point.  Was my head going to be in a cage?  Was I going to be strapped down?  At this point, the poor scheduler didn't know what to say.  She said could I hold a second while she got a tech on the line with us?  Sure.  Another very nice lady joined the line and nice scheduler explained that I was a first time MRI-er and I was a bit nervous.  To say the least.  Turns out, my head won't be in a cage, but will be in a helmet.  Really not that much difference there.  Laying on a fluffy pillow would've put me at ease, put in a helmet does nothing but make my blood pressure raise and make me panic.  And I haven't even seen it yet.  As far as being strapped down.  She seemed to consider before answering this.  She said they don't have to strap me down, I can just lay there.  I seemed to consider before saying they would be seriously sorry if they even tried to strap me down.  But I didn't say that.  I said that I had read online that a lot of people brought in their own music to listen to and that kept their mind off what was going on...sadly, this is not an option at this facility.  But most importantly, what is an option, is me getting a prescription from my doctor for a sedative/medication for anxiety that I can take right before the MRI to help me get through the whole thing.  You can bet that I took care of that today.  My appointment is for 10am this Wednesday, with my check in time at 9:30am.  The closer it gets, the more nervous I get. 

And then, today, to add just a little more to my anxiety, I had to deal with the most ridiculous call ever from insurance.  Yesterday, my back of the head headache came back.  And in the middle of the night last night, it woke me up, felt like a knife going into my head and has felt that way most of today.  The prescription was not working at all.  And I took two doses so I wasn't sure what to do about it.  So I felt terrible.  Right before the most annoying call ever, I had a call from a super nice guy at Northside (do they employ all of the nicest people ever or what?!) getting me pre-checked in or whatever and verifying info and oh, yeah the little matter of cost.  Turns out an MRI on the brain is the bargain price of $885, just $115 short of my deductible.  Oh well.  At least they are super nice and only need 1/3 up front and we can pay the rest in payments.  I no sooner take care of that then my phone rings again and it is so and so from Blue Cross and he verifies some of my info and then verifies that my doctor (that he named, he didn't ask for his name from me or anything) wants me to have an MRI.  Uh, yeah.  He goes on to say that while he sees that I am planning on having it at Northside (a place he doesn't know the rating of....meanwhile I am silent, thinking really?  Guess he didn't do his homework) and it will cost four to six thousand dollars but I could have it at all these other random top rated places that could only cost four to five hundred dollars (names of places I have not heard of, he might as well said Bob's Drive-Thru MRI's)....I really haven't said anything and have no idea what he wants me to say.....then he is like do I want to schedule it at one of those places??  Um...NO.  Also, guy, I JUST got off the phone with Northside and we JUST were told how much it is going to be (not to mention partially paid) and you aren't even close at all with how much you said it is.  So he is like, well, no, you will have to pay more than that, and then I say, maybe, but not more than $1000 because that is my deductible.  This guy is literally arguing with me and saying that my doctor really doesn't know what he knows (is he kidding me??) and that I can go anywhere to get my MRI and take the CD of images to the doctor (oh, yeah, I am sure that is how it is done....I watch Grey's Anatomy, I have never once seen McDreamy look at a CD of images).  I really started to get angry.  I said something like "I don't mean to be rude" although I probably didn't care if I was being rude at all, and then I said I know that he is not a doctor so I am going to go wherever my doctor tells me to go for my MRI.  And that I know, based on what our coverage is, that we should NOT have to pay more than our deductible because of Northside being one of the covered places to go, etc (I know this because I had my baby at Northside and even though I had to have a c-section, we still only paid the deductible).  I also told him that I already was taking medicine to treat migraines that hardly worked because of insurance not covering what the doctor tried to prescribe to me (I think I did a whole post on here about that) and I am already so nervous and scared about this MRI that this is a one time thing (hopefully) and I won't be doing it over, we will be getting the very best pictures possible, so this is it.  The guy was just relentless.  I was so angry and so fed up that I told him that I didn't care how much it cost, I was not interested in a hole in the wall MRI place.  He gave me a phone number and some stupid website to check out in case I changed my mind, which I WON'T, and I finally got him of the phone.  Later, when I told Michael, who double checked and verified that we would only have to pay our deductible at most, he said that he thought maybe it was someone Blue Cross would pay a commission to if they could get me to change my mind and go to a cheaper place.  Only makes me more annoyed.  I just want to call back that number and tell that idiot that no matter how much it costs Blue Cross, we will NOT have to pay a cent more than $1000.  But, I will (probably) not do that.  Although, the next time I have to deal with insurance, the next one of their 'representatives' that calls me and dares to suggest to me what to do versus what a doctor what told me what to do....heaven help that person. 

Anyway, I hope that Wednesday is not as bad as I fear.  At least I have two little pills to bring with me that will hopefully take away the majority of my anxiety (or maybe just make me pass out?).  I really just want it to be over with.  I hope that the doctor is able to find a reason for my headache issues (ones that can be treated, nothing life-threatening, that is an entirely different worry altogether) and can maybe find a way to prevent them from occurring so often.

Here We Go Again (AKA More Neuro News)

Well, it has been a while since I have posted anything on this topic. (I will definitely be finishing up the Christmas posts soon, surely before the end of this month and definitely before Christmas rolls around again.) I was hoping that maybe, just maybe, I wouldn't have any thing to really post on this topic anymore, but no, sadly, that is not the case.

When I briefly wrote about my neuro/migraine issues before (you can read that post here) I was pretty optimistic that what we had set out to try (and by 'we', I mean the highly educated doctor) to prevent my migraines would work. Well, by the end of October, I had run into some issues with insurance and trying to get a prescription for when I did get a migraine, which actually were still happening quite a lot, more than I thought might happen given the preventative medicine I was taking.  I finally got that sorted out and it was decided at that point to up the dosage a bit on my preventative medication and try that for a while.  I had a follow-up appointment scheduled for Feb 15 to see how things were going.  Just to let you know how it went, I started out taking 25mg of topomax, the preventative meds and then on Nov 1 I upped that dosage to 50mg each night.  I have also been keeping a headache journal so the doctor knows just how often I am getting the migraines,when they occur, how quickly I can get rid of them, etc. 

Well, last Sunday, actually a week and a half ago, so two Sundays ago, I woke up with a new kind of headache...one that was sharp and painful in the lower left back part of my head.  Um, what?  Never have had such a headache.  Michael, who loves Google and is sure that eventually Google will phase out doctors altogether (just kidding..I think...I hope) read some things so I tried to treat the pain in a few different ways over the course of the week.  Yeah, you got that right, it didn't go away at all for over a week.  During said week, I had three migraines to top it all off.  And my migraine medication got rid of the migraine, but did squat for back-of-the-head pain.  Finally, this past Monday was the worst.  I woke up early with yet another migraine.  Michael had the day off so we had planned to head up to the outlets.  I took my Amerge (my migraine medication and went back to sleep (with both the front and back of my head throbbing).  After a couple of hours I woke up.  My migraine was gone but the back headache was awful.  And oh yeah, I was nauseous....make that throwing up.  What in the world?  I have surely thrown up from migraine pain before, but not after it was gone!  It was at this point that I sort of decided that my follow up appointment was maybe going to have to follow up a little sooner than previously scheduled and Michael agreed with me (and both of my parents agreed too that I should demand that they see me as soon as humanly possible).  Of course it was MLK Monday and when I called on Tuesday the lady that I normally speak to apparently no longer works on Tuesday or Thursdays.  Ugh.  I set my alarm to get up and call first thing Wednesday and after getting put on hold I said that I did have an appointment scheduled and wanted to move it up-Please Hold.  Ugh!  When she got back on the line she said the doctor didn't have anything available until next week.  Um, ok, so I said I need to see him as SOON as I can because my head has been throbbing in the back for a week and a half.  Oh, she says, he has an opening today at three.  Sigh.  Yes, I'll take that.  Apparently you just have to say the magic words of mysterious brain pain and you are in. 

So at my appointment with Dr. Not McDreamy I let him know that I have a massive headache in the back of my head, that I have had 18, yes 18 migraines since we last met (which was mid Oct, just in case he didn't see it in his notes right there) and that I guess that the migraine medication was working somewhat ok for the migraines, but sometimes I have to take two and it is NOT making weird back-of-the-head headache go away.  He, with not a hint of a smile, says that he guesses we are not doing a very good job of controlling my migraines now, are we?  While I think this could be a pass at a joke, he does not have a sense of humor really at all (Michael has reminded me over and over that I do not want a comical brain doctor) so he is probably just stating a fact.  So even though it's funny, he is right, we sure are not.  He checks my reflexes, looks in my eyes, mouth, presses on my head (ouch, I guess he forgot it hurt) and then asks if I've ever had an MRI or a CT.  No.  I told him that the last time and I'm pretty sure if I had he'd have that info, wouldn't he?  I guess that is beside the point.  He decides that I need to get an MRI.  He also decides that my back of the head pain is also migraine related, until we know otherwise.  He tells me to start taking 75mg of topomax a day, one pill in the morning and two at night.  And he also writes me a prescription for Fioricet with Codeine in it to take for the back of the head pain.  And gives me some samples of some powder stuff that could also help with that pain (but cannot be taken with the Fioricet prescription).  And I still have to go back for my original Feb appt so he can see how I am doing and presumably talk to me about whatever he sees in my MRI. 

So let's talk about the MRI, shall we?  As I am leaving, the nice nurse or whoever she was hands me a paper and says that Northside will call to schedule my MRI in the next day or so and the actual appt will probably occur in the next week probably.  Ok.  No big deal.  Except I get home and I am looking at the paper and on the back in some rather small writing it says something about if you are claustrophobic, blah, blah, blah.  Um, what?  I turn the paper back over to see exactly what she has ordered for me to have...a Closed MRI.  Now Google is my best friend.  Except not at all.  Sure I knew sort of what an MRI was and that since it was going to be on my head/brain it would probably be a little closed in....but I did NOT like what I saw in the pictures that Google so generously shared with me.  Oh and I found a nice little site dedicated to all those with even the slightest claustrophobic tendencies.....talk about freaking out!!! How in the world am I going to do this???  In one picture the guy had a cage looking thing over his head, a lot of people were strapped down (just kill me now), most of the MRI machines look like rounded off coffins and supposedly it is going to take close to an hour and you cannot move AT ALL.  The hospital hasn't called yet to schedule me and I have a million questions, I already feel terrible for whoever has to call me to set up my time.  The 'helpful' Google sites I found also had some tips for trying to make it bearable...and my favorite so far was being sedated throughout the process.  I also liked, in addition to sedation, having a rag/towel to cover your eyes, and have a CD of music to play to take your mind off of it (cause apparently the machine makes loud noises as it takes pictures too).  They have something called an Open MRI machine, but I read that sometimes the pictures aren't as good as in a Closed and there is no way in the world that if I do this once that I will ever do it again, so we will have to get the best pics we can get on the first (and ONLY) try.  Originally I was planning on just going on my own but now I think my dear husband is going to have to drag me there for this little procedure.  Any and all prayers appreciated, both that I can make it through the MRI without too much anxiety and that nothing too terrible shows up in the results...maybe something that will give a clue to all my migraines maybe though...then at least the MRI won't be totally for nothing...or if it is for nothing I will have to frame it and hang it on my wall or something! Ha! Definite updates to come!!

Christmas Morning, Our House

This year we woke up at our house on Christmas morning. Usually we stay our my parents' house but with the fact that we were traveling back from FL on Christmas Eve and everything we decided that it would be easier to just wake up at our own house, get the Santa stuff done and then go over to their house. We didn't get much sleep because there was 'some' assembly required on a few of Sophia's gifts. Plus we weren't sure how long it would take for her to open and play with the gifts when she saw them and we didn't want to just make her leave them as soon as she got them, so we planned on a very early morning. So we were tired, but excited.

Santa came to our house!!

Overflowing stockings!!

Why are you guys waking me up so early?

Sophia was super excited to see her new kitchen. She immediately had to try out the phone. Apparently this is a very important piece to any kitchen set. :-)

Such a happy girl on Christmas morning!

Mommy, I am in the middle of an important call!! I think she held on to the phone throughout most of her present opening.

She was SO excited when she saw both Minnie Mouse and Ariel peeking out of her stocking. I hope Michael got a good video of it (since we still haven't watched the footage) cause it was adorable.

Even though it took a loooong time for her to open everything, she had a blast and after a couple of hours we realized she must've been pretty hungry, haha. But she really was most interested in playing with all her new toys. I was glad that we were able to bring some of them over to my parents' house (although not too many, as I knew she would get some things there as well) for her to continue playing with.

Michael and I had a great Christmas as well, as far as the gift giving went. We both got each other watches (he got me a Michael Kors watch, which I have wanted for practically ever!) and he got me a Coach purse (I may have picked it out, haha) and I got him a personalized bag for his golf shoes (which I knew that my parents were getting him new golf shoes) and I gave him money for him to go and get his new iphone. We also got each other some other great things as well, it really was a great Christmas for the Santoro household all around! I am so thankful for my husband, who is wonderful, and for my precious daughter, who makes me so happy. :-)

An Amazing Baby, An Amazing Family

Christmas Eve was a very long day. We were in the car for half of it, driving home from Florida. Then we were rushing to unpack and repack (to spend a few days at my parents' house) and I was trying to bake some things, all before church that evening. And I wanted to make sure once we were dressed for church we had time to pose with a 'Merry Christmas, Hallie' sign to post on the Hope for Hallie page on Facebook. After church we had some Santa type things to do before we could go to bed for the night. Somewhere in that afternoon, I happened to check Facebook on my phone, and then I couldn't seem to remember what I was doing at all.

Let me start way back at the beginning.

Maybe in March or April of 2009, I was pregnant with Sophia at that time. My sister was trying to talk my into starting this blog. At the time, she was really the only person that I knew that had a blog, the only one I really read. She said to me, do you remember Chris Green from high school? Sure, I did...sort of....he was on the soccer team that I was a manager for, he was a few years younger than me, had a twin named Brian. Definitely a couple of super nice guys. Well, she says to me, Chris ended up marrying Katie McIver, do you remember her? No, not personally, but I did know who she was. Probably everyone at our high school did, if I had to guess. As I said, I didn't know her personally, never had one conversation with her, not even in passing, but even back then she seemed so...nice. I knew she was a cheerleader (not always a word that went along with nice, in my experience, haha) and seemed friendly. That was about it. Sara tells me that I just have to read her blog. That is was great, they just had their second baby, had two really adorable kids, she writes so well, and so on. Ok, I was sold. And so I spent the entire day at work (we must've been really slow or my boss wasn't there or something) reading the entire blog from start to finish. I think I even had to download something onto the computer so I could watch any videos. I was hooked. What a truly amazing family, I thought that even then. You could see how much love was there, how great of parents they were, just what an adorable family they were through the writing and the pictures. I may not have known them well in high school but I felt like I did after becoming a faithful blog reader that day. Oh, and I decided that I would try my hand at blogging too.

Fast forward a little bit to the beginning of this summer or so. Katie is pregnant with her third baby. Another sweet girl. But this time, through the blog, I saw that the new baby had a very rare genetic disorder (called Trisomy 13....you can read a little more about that here). Basically, if this baby girl made it all the way to delivery (and that seemed like I pretty big if), she was not going to live long. Such devastating news. I literally felt so crushed for the Green family. A pregnancy is supposed to be such a time of expectancy and excitement...now they will be filled with worry and grief and wonder if they will even meet this little baby. When we were pregnant with Sophia, we signed papers to not do any of the genetic testing. I know that I, just as Katie couldn't, would never be able to abort a child that had any type of abnormality. But usually those tests are specifically for Downs Syndrome and my feeling is that I also wouldn't want to spend the entire pregnancy worrying about how we would care for it and all the things that would come along with a special needs child. I would love it just the same anyway. But this was not the same thing as that possible scenario at all. Not only did the Green's not know if their baby would make it to the due date, they didn't know if she would live more than a minute, more than an hour, more than a day. It wasn't a case of what would they do when she got there, more like, would she get there at all? They decided to let God handle everything. It must've been the hardest months of their lives.

Fast forward a little more. We had taken my brother to Dave and Busters for his birthday, just me and Michael. It was Sunday, Dec 18th. We had such a fun day and I was pretty tired when we got home. But I saw, on Facebook through a site that was made for the sweet Green baby who had made it all the way to term (Hope for Hallie), that Katie and Chris were headed in to the hospital because Katie was going to be induced in the morning. I thought back to when we did the exact same thing with Sophia. Checked in the night before. Induced the next morning. C-section the next evening and our girl was here. But I knew that the events for the Green family would probably not play out in quite the same way, even though they were in the exact same hospital and everything. I didn't sleep well, I prayed and prayed that everything would go ok and the little girl would make it into the world ok. That her parents would be able to hold her and love her and even that maybe while she was tucked all safely in her mother's stomach the doctor's had maybe somehow made a mistake with her diagnosis?
That next day I probably checked Facebook a hundred times in a hour. Hallie Lynn Green had made it in to the world! She was breathing and when I read that post I breathed a sigh of relief. I guess I let myself think that meant things were good. She was here, that was clearly a miracle. Actually, all week long I checked Facebook a thousand times a day, just waiting for an update, hoping for a picture of the precious baby girl. And I prayed and prayed for the Greens and for Hallie. I knew that so many others were doing the same. Surely God would hear all of us, see how many random strangers from all over were praying for this tiny miracle and heal her, right? Sophia and I made a 'Hope for Hallie' sign...I couldn't figure out how to keep her from crumpling it up so I would say clap for Hallie! and then snap the shot. When Hallie went home from the hospital a few days later (we were actually at Sea World when I saw that post) I said to my husband they are letting her go home...that has to be a good thing, right? I know that sometimes I can be a bit of a pessimist in situations and I thought that I would only concentrate and pray on the positive and be thankful for the positive in this situation, also constantly thanking God for all the positive in my own life at the same time. I thought the Green family would spend Christmas, and maybe even New Years, with their precious new baby before having to tell her good-bye and handing her over to God. I figured all the prayers coming from everywhere would at least "buy her that time". Although I know that really isn't how things work.

Back to Christmas Eve. Facebook. Hallie had passed away, in her mothers' arms, with all her family there with her. I could not stop crying. I could not remember what I was cooking or packing. I was so mad at myself that we hadn't done the Merry Christmas post. I texted my sister to make sure she knew (she had not seen yet) because I could not call her to say the words. Church that night was so hard...I cried through Silent Night because the words seemed so sad. I couldn't imagine how difficult this night, this holiday, this month, this year, was going to be for the Green's without their little Hallie.

Last weekend, a memorial service was held for Hallie Lynn Green. I knew that I wanted to go and I knew that I would have to go alone (as I was planning to leave Sophia at home with Michael). As soon as I got there, saw the screens with the pictures and heard the piano music, my throat pretty much closed right up. I tried to sign the guest book without crying (the guest books were awesome....had all the pictures from the Hope for Hallie site...I should've looked for the picture of Sophia and signed near it...but I didn't want to hold up the line) and then took a seat, alone and near the back on the side, in the large auditorium. I admit, I had to look at my phone a couple times, possibly at my Bejeweled app, to keep myself from crying before it even got started. A very sweet stranger, a nice girl who probably didn't want to be alone either, sat down by me just before the service started. At the start, more pictures of precious Hallie with her family set to beautiful music...but what I think made me really cry was seeing the video of her moving and breathing...a true miracle and Katie and Chris were sharing her with all of us. Their sweet second daughter, Farrah, was in a video singing Happy Birthday to Hallie...I felt like my heart just broke...oh, that whole family just loved that little baby so much. Also, Farrah is maybe about 9 months or so older than Sophia....I just wanted to hold my baby right then and never let her go. There was a beautiful, truly beautiful song written just for Hallie that was sung and even Chris and Katie spoke. This is where I was truly in awe. The strength and love and faith that they have...if I even have a tiny fraction of that in a time of such pain and hurt and sadness...well, I'd be doing ok. They were really inspiring, just made me want to be a better parent, a better person....if they can stand up there and speak to a large crowd (a daunting task under any circumstance for me) after they have just lost a baby (probably the single most difficult thing a parent can go through) then I can be more understanding, more compassionate, more loving, more patient on a day to day basis. Right? I guess those aren't things that just change overnight but at least I know that I can work on that and have good models of understanding and love and faith and patience and compassion to think of when I am feeling challenged.

Now that a little time has passed, I think about how Hallie has affected my life. I think about how my praying changed upon first hearing her diagnosis up until now. I really wanted that diagnosis to be wrong. I didn't want to think about how the Green's might have to lose a daughter, maybe even before she was born. And then she was born and I was very thankful for that. I started to pray that she would just make it home, and she did and I was very thankful for that. And then I would pray that she would just make it past Christmas time, would just make it past New Years, that wasn't all that long. But really all along, God knew that Christmas Eve was her time. I should've spent more time praying differently. I was praying for a miracle but there were so many miracles happening the entire time....Hallie made it full term. Hallie and Katie both made it through the delivery well. Hallie was able to go home from the hospital. Hallie changed the lives of those who knew her and of so many who didn't know her. All miracles. Such an amazing little baby. But, like I knew from the second I started to read their blog, the little Green family is an amazing family. Hallie couldn't have been born to another family. And I am happy to know their story, I thank them for sharing it with me.

To read the entire story of the Green's go to:
http://thelittlegreenfamily.blogspot.com/

Yum!

Ok, this isn't really catching up on much but thought I would post on it anyway. Last week Sophia was napping and I was kind of bored...I was supposed to be tackling the mountain of laundry but that didn't sound fun...and we happened to have some overripe bananas in our kitchen. I enjoy baking so much more than cooking, just ask anyone. Namely, my husband. He will surely blame any weight gain since our marriage on the fact that I will bake cookies or a cake or brownies or some type of bread product...and then not touch more than a bite of it, leaving him to eat most of it. I guess it is more the satisfaction of making the baked goods than eating them. You'd think I would be much skinnier. Except the few things that I do like to cook, dinner wise....pasta, pasta, and more pasta. Just kidding. Sort of. I like making homemade pasta sauce and pancakes and chili....surely there are other things, but to be honest I could live off pasta and forget the rest. My husband has to have meat. Often. I try to touch raw meat as little as possible...thankfully my husband also likes to cook and so we do not live on pasta alone.
Back to the actual topic of my blog post (no, it is not the fact that I am not Betty Crocker). Anyway. Bananas. I really like banana bread and a lot of the time I will just use an easy mix to make it (it does say there are bananas in the mix...not that I have ever come across one) but we didn't have one of those. So I googled banana bread recipes and the first one that came up seemed to be perfect. As in, we had all the ingredients, it didn't seem messy, and the words 'no mixer' were included. This worked out, cause like I said, Sophia was napping and her bedroom is pretty close to the kitchen. It was so simple (if it is easy and doesn't have a million ingredients, I will try it). And it was from scratch! Mash up bananas. Add some other stuff. Bake for an hour. It came out moist and tasted great (I actually have had several pieces of it, Michael has not had to eat the entire loaf) and made the house smell all nice and banana-y. So move over Betty Crocker. Sure, we can't eat banana bread for dinner but who knows what kind of cooking adventures I will get into this year!! Should I try a new dish every week and then blog about it? Well, that is probably getting waaayy ahead of myself. But the banana bread was good, that is for sure!!
PS- If you want the awesome banana bread recipe it was at www.simplyrecipes.com/recipes/banana_bread :-)

Sophia loves Molly!

The day before Christmas Eve we spent the whole day with Michael's family. At their house they have a couple dogs and a cat....Sophia really likes dogs...but always from a distance. They get near her or even bark and she freaks. Last time we were there (right after Thanksgiving) she did NOT want Molly to bark at all and did not want Bunker to jump on her or be near her for that matter. This time, little miss brave decided that she wanted to be friends with the dogs, especially Molly. She still wasn't fond of Molly's loud bark...she would yell, Moll, Moll every time Molly would bark at cars or people passing by the house...it was actually cute. And if she was caught off guard by Molly running by she would run straight to our legs and hold on for dear life. But other than that, Molly was probably wishing that she would go back to scared clingy baby. And was probably super happy when we finally left. Poor Molly. She was definitely a good sport about it though. :-)

Sophia giving Molly a pet for the first time.

So sweet!

Now I'm going to hug her and bother her all day long!

Hey, Molly, here is your Christmas present, even though it's not Christmas yet!

Sea World, 3 Days Before Christmas

This year we went to Florida to visit Michael's family before Christmas. Michael's cousin TJ was on leave from the Navy for a short time and wouldn't be there long after (when we usually go down) and we really wanted to see him and for him to meet Sophia (last time we saw him I was pregnant) so we squeezed in our trip a few days before Christmas to make sure we had time to spend with him. We planned to spend the day at Sea World, just us and TJ and Michael's youngest brother Brian (the rest of the fam had to work). Plus when we were there in November we didn't get to take Sophia to see the Sesame Street show they have special during the Christmas season and we wanted to do that. It really wasn't too crowded at the park, probably because it was three days before Christmas. The reason we had not seen the Sesame show the last time was because we hadn't gotten in line soon enough...that sucker filled up fast. So this time, Brian and TJ (they didn't want to see Elmo, imagine that!) went to ride some rides and Michael and I got in line really early for the show with Sophia. You can imagine that a one year old just loves to stand around and wait for something that she isn't really sure what she is waiting on. Oh, did I mention it was about 80 degrees on this day? And we were packed like sardines waiting with apparently whoever was at the park with kids under 10. They actually let us into this giant auditorium thing a half an hour before the show started to sit and wait some more...at least there was some air. Sophia was as good as can be expected. She kept saying Elmo, Elmo over and over. Like where in the world is Elmo, is he even worth waiting this long for??!! She did love the show once it finally started though. She kept yelling to Elmo, although she really didn't want the characters to come near her (evidenced by the fact that when Telly...we had to look him up to be sure that was who it was...give us a break, we know all the main ones....anyway, Telly came running by and waved hello right in her face and she freaked out and clung to us, hahaha). And she was not at all happy when it was over. Personally I wasn't really either, after all that waiting it probably could've been a little longer! :-)
We really had a fun day and enjoyed spending the time together. Sophia and I didn't ride any rides so her and I got to look around in a lot of the shops and at some of the exhibits the boys didn't get to see, just some mommy/daughter time. We got back later than we thought we would, but saw and did everything that everyone wanted to do. All in all it was a nice way to spend the day!


Our little family!

The Boys!

Daddy and his girl!

The star of the show...Sophia's fave!

Blog Resolutions

Well, here it is, the start of the second week of the new year. I can't believe that another year is already here. I guess it felt like time flew by, but having a child really does make it feel like it goes by that much faster.
And pretty much almost an entire month has gone by since I have last posted on here. Ugh. And it has been busy too, not just a quiet month with nothing to say. So I clearly have a lot of catching up to do. A little holiday known as Christmas, Sophia's second, happened in those weeks that have passed by in my blog silence. That in itself will need to be several posts as we traveled to Florida to visit with Michael's side of the family and spent time with my side of the family as well as doing some things with just the three of us.
And there is another event that I really do want to post about, but haven't yet, because I still just don't know how to quite put it all in words. Even after reading so many others putting it down in words so perfectly. But I will figure out how to get the words out.
Which brings me to the very point of this blog....my resolution for this very blog for the new year. I will really try so much harder to keep the blog more updated and current. Or at least visit the blog more often. Maybe post at least once or twice a week? I know that blogs can be set up in advance....so even if I have to stay up really late scheduling a weeks worth then maybe that is just what I will have to do to keep this 'ol thing going. Now, as far as my blog issues with pictures go. Ugh. This will take some major patience on my part. An entirely different resolution altogether. But I will at least make the attempt to not throw the computer out the window at the first sign of blogger rebelling against my wishes to post a ton of pictures. I will try hard to grit my teeth and solve the problem the best way I can and hopefully at least post a few good pics to please the masses (ha) who want images to go along with text.
I can do this! Plus, my favorite blogs to read are the ones that post often.....great role models for the blogging world! And I at least have so many topics that I want to blog about....catching up our holiday activities, what I hope the new year brings (maybe including some actual resolutions), and most importantly I want to blog about a precious baby girl who was born and lived only 5 short days....but changed the way that I have been looking at almost everything around me.
I know this isn't the most difficult or life changing resolution to have....keep up with my blog....but for now, I think I can easily manage it and it won't be one of those things that gets dumped by the wayside after a month (example of resolutions past.....go to the gym every day. Ha. Not sure that one lasted a whole week). I'm not actually doing this to gain a ton of readers or anything.....but for the few that actually do follow....guess you'll actually find something new to read when you check this thing!! Happy New Year!!