Christmas Eve was a very long day. We were in the car for half of it, driving home from Florida. Then we were rushing to unpack and repack (to spend a few days at my parents' house) and I was trying to bake some things, all before church that evening. And I wanted to make sure once we were dressed for church we had time to pose with a 'Merry Christmas, Hallie' sign to post on the Hope for Hallie page on Facebook. After church we had some Santa type things to do before we could go to bed for the night. Somewhere in that afternoon, I happened to check Facebook on my phone, and then I couldn't seem to remember what I was doing at all.
Let me start way back at the beginning.
Maybe in March or April of 2009, I was pregnant with Sophia at that time. My sister was trying to talk my into starting this blog. At the time, she was really the only person that I knew that had a blog, the only one I really read. She said to me, do you remember Chris Green from high school? Sure, I did...sort of....he was on the soccer team that I was a manager for, he was a few years younger than me, had a twin named Brian. Definitely a couple of super nice guys. Well, she says to me, Chris ended up marrying Katie McIver, do you remember her? No, not personally, but I did know who she was. Probably everyone at our high school did, if I had to guess. As I said, I didn't know her personally, never had one conversation with her, not even in passing, but even back then she seemed so...nice. I knew she was a cheerleader (not always a word that went along with nice, in my experience, haha) and seemed friendly. That was about it. Sara tells me that I just have to read her blog. That is was great, they just had their second baby, had two really adorable kids, she writes so well, and so on. Ok, I was sold. And so I spent the entire day at work (we must've been really slow or my boss wasn't there or something) reading the entire blog from start to finish. I think I even had to download something onto the computer so I could watch any videos. I was hooked. What a truly amazing family, I thought that even then. You could see how much love was there, how great of parents they were, just what an adorable family they were through the writing and the pictures. I may not have known them well in high school but I felt like I did after becoming a faithful blog reader that day. Oh, and I decided that I would try my hand at blogging too.
Fast forward a little bit to the beginning of this summer or so. Katie is pregnant with her third baby. Another sweet girl. But this time, through the blog, I saw that the new baby had a very rare genetic disorder (called Trisomy 13....you can read a little more about that here). Basically, if this baby girl made it all the way to delivery (and that seemed like I pretty big if), she was not going to live long. Such devastating news. I literally felt so crushed for the Green family. A pregnancy is supposed to be such a time of expectancy and excitement...now they will be filled with worry and grief and wonder if they will even meet this little baby. When we were pregnant with Sophia, we signed papers to not do any of the genetic testing. I know that I, just as Katie couldn't, would never be able to abort a child that had any type of abnormality. But usually those tests are specifically for Downs Syndrome and my feeling is that I also wouldn't want to spend the entire pregnancy worrying about how we would care for it and all the things that would come along with a special needs child. I would love it just the same anyway. But this was not the same thing as that possible scenario at all. Not only did the Green's not know if their baby would make it to the due date, they didn't know if she would live more than a minute, more than an hour, more than a day. It wasn't a case of what would they do when she got there, more like, would she get there at all? They decided to let God handle everything. It must've been the hardest months of their lives.
Fast forward a little more. We had taken my brother to Dave and Busters for his birthday, just me and Michael. It was Sunday, Dec 18th. We had such a fun day and I was pretty tired when we got home. But I saw, on Facebook through a site that was made for the sweet Green baby who had made it all the way to term (Hope for Hallie), that Katie and Chris were headed in to the hospital because Katie was going to be induced in the morning. I thought back to when we did the exact same thing with Sophia. Checked in the night before. Induced the next morning. C-section the next evening and our girl was here. But I knew that the events for the Green family would probably not play out in quite the same way, even though they were in the exact same hospital and everything. I didn't sleep well, I prayed and prayed that everything would go ok and the little girl would make it into the world ok. That her parents would be able to hold her and love her and even that maybe while she was tucked all safely in her mother's stomach the doctor's had maybe somehow made a mistake with her diagnosis?
That next day I probably checked Facebook a hundred times in a hour. Hallie Lynn Green had made it in to the world! She was breathing and when I read that post I breathed a sigh of relief. I guess I let myself think that meant things were good. She was here, that was clearly a miracle. Actually, all week long I checked Facebook a thousand times a day, just waiting for an update, hoping for a picture of the precious baby girl. And I prayed and prayed for the Greens and for Hallie. I knew that so many others were doing the same. Surely God would hear all of us, see how many random strangers from all over were praying for this tiny miracle and heal her, right? Sophia and I made a 'Hope for Hallie' sign...I couldn't figure out how to keep her from crumpling it up so I would say clap for Hallie! and then snap the shot. When Hallie went home from the hospital a few days later (we were actually at Sea World when I saw that post) I said to my husband they are letting her go home...that has to be a good thing, right? I know that sometimes I can be a bit of a pessimist in situations and I thought that I would only concentrate and pray on the positive and be thankful for the positive in this situation, also constantly thanking God for all the positive in my own life at the same time. I thought the Green family would spend Christmas, and maybe even New Years, with their precious new baby before having to tell her good-bye and handing her over to God. I figured all the prayers coming from everywhere would at least "buy her that time". Although I know that really isn't how things work.
Back to Christmas Eve. Facebook. Hallie had passed away, in her mothers' arms, with all her family there with her. I could not stop crying. I could not remember what I was cooking or packing. I was so mad at myself that we hadn't done the Merry Christmas post. I texted my sister to make sure she knew (she had not seen yet) because I could not call her to say the words. Church that night was so hard...I cried through Silent Night because the words seemed so sad. I couldn't imagine how difficult this night, this holiday, this month, this year, was going to be for the Green's without their little Hallie.
Last weekend, a memorial service was held for Hallie Lynn Green. I knew that I wanted to go and I knew that I would have to go alone (as I was planning to leave Sophia at home with Michael). As soon as I got there, saw the screens with the pictures and heard the piano music, my throat pretty much closed right up. I tried to sign the guest book without crying (the guest books were awesome....had all the pictures from the Hope for Hallie site...I should've looked for the picture of Sophia and signed near it...but I didn't want to hold up the line) and then took a seat, alone and near the back on the side, in the large auditorium. I admit, I had to look at my phone a couple times, possibly at my Bejeweled app, to keep myself from crying before it even got started. A very sweet stranger, a nice girl who probably didn't want to be alone either, sat down by me just before the service started. At the start, more pictures of precious Hallie with her family set to beautiful music...but what I think made me really cry was seeing the video of her moving and breathing...a true miracle and Katie and Chris were sharing her with all of us. Their sweet second daughter, Farrah, was in a video singing Happy Birthday to Hallie...I felt like my heart just broke...oh, that whole family just loved that little baby so much. Also, Farrah is maybe about 9 months or so older than Sophia....I just wanted to hold my baby right then and never let her go. There was a beautiful, truly beautiful song written just for Hallie that was sung and even Chris and Katie spoke. This is where I was truly in awe. The strength and love and faith that they have...if I even have a tiny fraction of that in a time of such pain and hurt and sadness...well, I'd be doing ok. They were really inspiring, just made me want to be a better parent, a better person....if they can stand up there and speak to a large crowd (a daunting task under any circumstance for me) after they have just lost a baby (probably the single most difficult thing a parent can go through) then I can be more understanding, more compassionate, more loving, more patient on a day to day basis. Right? I guess those aren't things that just change overnight but at least I know that I can work on that and have good models of understanding and love and faith and patience and compassion to think of when I am feeling challenged.
Now that a little time has passed, I think about how Hallie has affected my life. I think about how my praying changed upon first hearing her diagnosis up until now. I really wanted that diagnosis to be wrong. I didn't want to think about how the Green's might have to lose a daughter, maybe even before she was born. And then she was born and I was very thankful for that. I started to pray that she would just make it home, and she did and I was very thankful for that. And then I would pray that she would just make it past Christmas time, would just make it past New Years, that wasn't all that long. But really all along, God knew that Christmas Eve was her time. I should've spent more time praying differently. I was praying for a miracle but there were so many miracles happening the entire time....Hallie made it full term. Hallie and Katie both made it through the delivery well. Hallie was able to go home from the hospital. Hallie changed the lives of those who knew her and of so many who didn't know her. All miracles. Such an amazing little baby. But, like I knew from the second I started to read their blog, the little Green family is an amazing family. Hallie couldn't have been born to another family. And I am happy to know their story, I thank them for sharing it with me.
To read the entire story of the Green's go to:
http://thelittlegreenfamily.blogspot.com/
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