FEAR = MRI

Yesterday was my MRI.  I thought that I was as prepared as I could be for it, I had asked as many questions as I could think of and everyone I talked to was nice and friendly and even answered my stupid questions and helped me to feel as ready as I was going to feel.  I had two pills for anxiety in hand, thinking that I would really only need one.  My husband was with me.  We didn't even hit traffic on the way there, something that would have only added to my anxiety.  Well, it was a lot worse than I expected.  A lot.  Oh and I expected fairly bad. 
I guess I can start from the start.  I had to be at the location at 9:30 am.  My mom arrived to watch Sophia (who was still sleeping) so we left our house at 8:30 am and headed towards the Northside area.  I was pretty sure we'd be stuck right in rush hour traffic (so we had a back way planned) but surprisingly things were moving right along and we got to our destination by 9.  I had to fill out some forms (of course) and Michael was supposed to let me know to take my (one) relaxer pill at quarter after 9.  As soon as I turned in the forms, we went with a nice gentleman who brought us back to another area to wait (I had to use the bathroom...my stomach was in knots already...I went ahead and took the pill then).  He took us in to a little room after that, asked me some more questions (and I had missed signing some areas on the paperwork) and told me to change into a gown.  At which point I showed him (not totally, haha) that I didn't have any metal on my clothes and was really just in sweatpants and a shirt so if it was ok I wanted to just stay in my own clothes.  He said that was just fine.  He said that it probably would take maybe like 30-40 mintues, not as long as I had originally been told, which sounded good.  Then he led me back and we left Michael in the waiting area.  He was talking to me the whole time, asking me how long we'd been married, about Sophia, that kind of thing.  I guess distracting me from the giant MRI machine.  I tried to not look at it at all as he had me lay down on a narrow, flat bed table thing.  My heart was totally pounding.  I think he was asking me about what football team I liked or something at that point.  As he was putting something next to my head to keep it straight (not a helmet though, good) and a triangle shaped pillow up under my knees.  Then he gave me some earplugs and covered me with a blanket and had me cover my eyes with a white washcloth.  At this point I was completely shaking and my heart was seriously racing.  He kept saying that my relaxation pill should kick in at any time.  My hands were down at my sides and I was trying to stay completely still, if you consider shaking like a leaf completely still.  Then he started moving the table I was laying on and I knew that he was moving me back into the tube.  Despite the washcloth covering my eyes (and the fact that my eyes were squeezed shut), it got darker and I could completely tell I was inside of something.  Oh and my elbow brushed against the side as I was moving back so I knew exactly how small of a space I was entering into. 
I will now say that no matter how I would've classified myself before...slightly claustrophobic, claustrophic tendencies, whatever....I can say without a doubt that I am terrified of enclosed spaces.  Elevators don't bother me.  But if one was overpacked and got stuck, I would probably freak out.  I am scared of things, sure.  Not needles, those don't bother me in the least.  I hate snakes and bugs, but as long as they stay away from me I don't think I have a problem with them.  I don't really have a problem with heights...although in some cases I can feel very scared of them...but normally when I feel like others could fall (I had a nightmare when I was pregnant about my nephew falling from a balcony and he was just out of my reach....when my brother was little and we were in Hawaii, he was dangling his legs from the balcony and I was terrified he would fall....I am always so scared when someone holding my daughter goes near a railing...things like that...it is somewhat paralyzing to me, the fear that they could go over the side).  I couldn't be on Fear Factor because I would surely gag and barf if I had to eat bugs...and now I know that there is no way in this entire world that I could make it through a challenge for any amount of money that involved enclosed spaces.  It was a little different all the other circumstances in the past that I have dealt with before.  On amusement park rides, I tend to feel claustrophic in the seats that go over your head and push on your chest, or even worse, hold in your legs.  So I no longer ride those rides.  In an airplane (which I already hate to fly) I feel like I am trapped in the seat that is near the window and so sitting on an aisle can sometimes help me to move my legs and not feel so closed in. And during my c-section, when I felt like I was being crushed and wasn't able to move at all...well, at least I could move my arms and head around and I got a beautiful baby girl out of it.  Next time things will be different with that.  With an MRI, you can't try to make it bearable, that uncomfortable claustrophobia.  And it is terrifying.
Anyway, back to my experience.  I am in the tube and I am panicking, big time.  I told him to get me out of there!!  He said ok and actually did it pretty quickly. He said I did great, that I had gotten all the way back in there. He didn't let me get up off the table, he kept me laying there for a minute to calm down.  Not something that was happening.  He talked to me about something else random.  More football, maybe?  Finally, I asked him if taking the other pill I had would help me?  He said it can't hurt and there is no reason to save it.  So he helped me up and we went to find Michael to get my purse with the pill.  I took it and sat down while they talked about football for a while.  I'm not sure how much time passed but Michael commented that he thought that I wasn't shaking anymore so surely at least the first pill should've been working by now.  I cannot say I felt calm, but maybe kinda tired?  Finally, I had to go back in to try again.  Back on the narrow table, propped knees, earplugs, washcloth over my eyes.  Stupid pill was NOT working.  I was still so scared!  I asked if he could just hold on to my leg or foot or something as I went back in to the tube so he said sure.  He was asking me stuff and rubbing my foot (normally I hate people touching my feet at all but he could've given me a full foot massage at this point) and back I was going and I wasn't very calm at all.  This time I put my hands up on my stomach so my arms wouldn't brush the side of the tube.  But it was still dark and I just knew that it was a very narrow space.  I could hear him talking to me through a speaker or something and he said I was doing good (liar) and that he was going to take a picture now.  There was this clicking or popping sound...I thought, ok, that isn't too bad....and then it was this super loud grating continuous noise.  My heart pretty much stopped and simultaneously was beating out of my chest, if that is even possible.  I was breathing so fast that I didn't even think my head was able to stay still...and I felt like I had to get out of there that second.  The noise finally stopped and the second it did and I said get me out, get me out, get me out until he did get me out.  He said that I did so good and he was able to get a good picture and everything.  Then he said would I feel better if my husband was in there with me.  And I said yes, please.  And I said that I was sorry that I was so scared and making things take so long.  He said that I had to stay on the table but not in the tube so that was ok with me and he went to get Michael.  I was thinking that maybe if it was just the short clicking/popping noises that I would be able to do it, but the loud clanging noises made it seem like the tubing was closing in on me, which was what I was so scared of in the first place, and so I had no idea how I was going to get through this.  I was also thinking what kind of calming pills had I taken, since I wasn't any calmer than if I had just taken a tylenol?! 
Finally Michael came in with him.  I will take a second to say that I have the best husband in the world.  He was probably enjoying watching his Sportscenter or whatever and then to have to come back and deal with my craziness and fear.  But he did great.  He held my hand (which he had to lean way in to reach it...I was stretching my hand out to get his too...come to find out it was his bad shoulder, I could've pulled it out of the socket) which I am sure I squeezed too hard and he rubbed my leg and he talked to me the entire time.  I couldn't always hear exactly what he was saying over the loud clanging noise but I knew he was talking to me.  I did have to come out at one point, after a particularly long set of the clanging noise.  I happened to reach up (I don't think I was all the way out of the tube) to adjust the washcloth and opened my eyes for a second and there was a definite cage over my head. Oh geez.  I only saw like a fraction of it, but I am pretty positive it was just like the one I saw on the internet when I did my search.  Ugh.  Oh well, it took me that long to realize it, nothing I could do about it by then.  After Michael came back to be with me, I really only had to come out for one break.  Although I was starting to feel the panic well up again after one set and the tech got on the intercom thing and said, ok, last one and it's a short one, only like one minute.  So then I knew I could just get it over with.  For the record, I never felt calm from the pills, I must not have taken them far enough before hand for them to work, even though I did exactly what the pharmacy told me to do.  Only having Michael there made it so that I could keep the panic aside enough to let the tech take the pictures.  After we were done, I asked the tech if I could have a picture with him for my blog.  He laughed and said that was a first.  I thanked him for being so patient and told him he was probably happy that he would never have to see me again.  He said that despite how scared I was, I didn't move my head once and he was able to get all good pictures.  He said that within 48 hours I should hear some results. 

By the time I got home, I was starting to feel the effects of the pills.  Not what I was looking for, to be drugged up after the MRI.  My mom stayed and played with Sophia while I dozed on the couch and then when it was Sophia's naptime, she left.  Soph and I both napped at the same time.  Around 4-ish, my phone rang and I was surprised to see it was the Neurologist calling.  It was Nicole, my doctor's assistant and she said that my doctor had looked over my scans already (wow!).  He thought that they looked good, pretty normal, but that he saw some narrowing of my blood vessels throughout my brain.  She said this is not neccesarily bad but that he would like for me to have a contrast scan done to further look into it.  Um, what?  What did she just say?  Did she really just say, after I just spent the morning going through the worst thing that I have had to go through (even though I really do know that there are worse things in life that can happen), that I have to get another MRI????  Yes, I do, in fact, have to get another MRI.  This time, with contrast.  Which means they will hook me up to an IV that will run some dye into my brain so the pictures will better show the blood vessels.  She said that Northside will call me to set it up and they can prescibe me something again for it.  I hung up with her, but called Michael immediately.  And cried.  He said it would be ok, he'd go with me again and it would be ok.  He was going to be home from work soon anyway so once we hung up, I called back the place where I had just been that morning to get my normal MRI.  I said that I had been there that day, wanted to talk to a tech to ask some questions, it didn't have to be my tech, but it could be and the lady said she'd see who she could find...well a nice sounding lady got on the phone.  I told her who I was and she said, oh, your husband went back in with you?  Great, I'm famous for my wimpyness.  Anyway, as soon as I tried to tell her I had to come back, I started to cry.  She said it was ok, that a lot of people are really scared and even some people that aren't claustrophobic have a hard time getting MRI's.  She said that Michael can come back with me again and that the contrast scans don't take quite as long as the ones without.  She also said that this time I should take both of the pills at the same time and maybe quite a bit longer before than I did this time.  So as much as I DO NOT want to do this again, at least I am going to a place that caters to complete wimps and are super patient.  Even I am annoyed with myself. 
But despite that, I am still scared and nervous to go back.  I had nightmares about both the experience I had and the one I haven't yet had all night last night.  I have been thinking about it all day....how I can try to make it different, go better, smoother, be less scary...and I can't come up with how that will happen.  Because I know that when they slide me back into that dark tube and that loud clanging noise starts up...I will be in the middle of a fear that I didn't even really know I ever had until now. 
Oh, I hope I can make it though, one more time.  And I hope when I say one more time, it really will be just one more time!